Hi my name is Grant and I graduated Tranquility Bay more than a year ago.
A fellow graduate recommended me to this sight and i read a great piece about a day in the life of a lower level student. It intrigued me and even brought back memories that were pushed to the far realms of my mind long ago. Props to whoever you are to such a well written work of fact. It actually inspired me to the point of taking time out of my schedule to write my own piece in my perspective of a starfish on the next bus ride home. I'm changing the names of certain people for there sake...and i could care less who reads this and gets offeneded so i'll leave my name at the top. And if i do offened anybody then i'll glady self-correct that shit.
Finally....I'm going home. Just a few more months. I can almost taste the sweet freedom. I cant believe its almost been two damn years. I came into this God awful mess 16 and now am graduating a very resentful 18. I slowly open my eyes and see the clock dimly lit across the room by the moonlight. Its a quarter to three. I catch a glimpse of a certain staff stealing a friend of mines juice out of the fridge. Wow he must be thirsty i think to myself. So blind with thirst that he cant even read the huge black letters with the students initials written on it.....asshole. I role back over. Jesus its hot! I contemplate temporarily "borrowing" a fellow starfish's fan that his mommy and daddy gave him along with everything else his precious heart desired....man this place makes you resentful. I smile to myself for a moment thinking about how obsured it would be to be envious of someones fan on the outs. Funny how two years of slowly going crazy can affect someones character. The thiefing staff belches and carries his speedo warring hairy-ass back to his little cot. How ironic it is that we cant even take off our shirts and the staff sharing our rooms walk around with what looks like an eye-patch. I mean do i really need to see that and even worse sleep two feet from it.
The snoring starts up again. If my pillow wasnt drenched in sweat I'd consider smothering my head with it....oh well. I must say im quite surprised though... the mosquitoes have barely even....oh wait...yea i spoke to soon, there they are. And once again I'm in quite a predicament. Should i just man-up and try to ignore these vampire-thieves stealing my blood, or covering head and body in my sheet; consequently forcing myself to try and sleep in a thin cotton furnace. I'm 18, i should be worried about car payments and which college coarses to take. Ohhhh man...Id kill for a realistic dilema. I'd kill to be a normal teenager...to late, why waste energy on the impossible. It's just me and my thoughts now. It almost feels as if the whole world is asleep but me. Just me and the mosquitos. I remember for a moment a bottle of bugspray in the closet. I get up, carfully walking the gauntlet of naked Jamaican men littering the floors. Shit! The spray is empty, well looks like the furnace for me tonight. Thoughts and memories of friends and family flood my mind, entraping my fore-sight with what could of been....what should of been. I hate thinking of my friends and family as funny as that sounds. Memories always make me feel like crying. Thats not how it should be. Good memories make people feel euphoric and bad memories make people feel fortunate...Some may ask, what the hell? Fortunate? What i mean by this is that whatever happened in the past is over now and no matter what things get better. So ill look back at getting arrested or something and feel fortunate that im out of that situation and my record is clear. This theory of "good things will come" was the only tidbit of wisdom that helped me through that Jamaican Alcatraz....not seminars, not "group"... just a simple phrase.
I cleared my mind and before i remembered falling asleep i was awake. At 7:00 we get up. Like aimless zombies my fellow starfish and I slowly wander to the showers. Everyday its a battle to beat Excellence family to the showers...after all we had to get ready for "work". My friend Tommy and i walk across the brezzy courtyard. Great...sure enough the Excellence family beat us there. And sure enough its because there father wanted to beat us there. Its always a competition with these guys. I walk over to Tommy ask for toothpaste and squeeze my way between the mass of kids all spitting and gargalling in the same "troff-like" gutter. Finally i get a shower. I reluctantly step in and undress...im already cold, well maybe it will be hot today...just maybe....nope! Well thats like 800 days in a row. I love the originality. The wind blows away what was left of my water and so i just stand there...here we go again. THe Excellence father(real asshole) feels the need to interupt my standing cold and naked time in order to refresh me on why im a starfish and that i should be consequenting his kids for talking and horse play. I snap back ofcourse(as ive done since before i new he exsisted). "Why do you need me to help you do your job"? I say coldly. He stares at me while the idiots in his family start to laugh...funny how what they dont realise is that all it takes is one instant, one hint of misfortune to happen in a staffs daily routine and consequences would be handed out like candy for the rest of the night. I turn away, hoping he'd just get distracted and walk away. Tommy brings me a bucket of water. I thank him and offer a handful of my precious herbal essence shampoo. I smile thinking back to the fan and the pitty way of life here. Psh...bucket showers, even a level 6 starfish goes through that crap.
Fast forward to getting dressed for my basically obsolete job. We starfish got the pleasure of getting paid crap for pointless busy work. But the best part was we got to dress up like our heros...the staff. Everyday we worked we would get assigned new jobs for the day and they would normally rotate. Ex. Supervising a family...watching O.P ect. ect. Basically just filling the spot of a staff who didnt make it that shift. I get assigned to work with Triumph...damn..i hate this family. I of course find a buddy to walk me over there because of course we can be alone in a room all day but we cant walk 30 feet by ourselves. I walk through the hallways of families with students constantly stopping every three feet to ask if i can talk to them about a problem there having later. With familiar repetion i politely say sure. What i cant help but think about though is my own problems. My boredom, my obsessive contiplations of the corruption and hypocracy that plauges this place like loccusts, and of course my burning desire to be rid of it all....just a few months i remind myself.
For the next few hours i follow the family around in a daze. I'm forced to give out at least 10 consequences so as always i find the worst kid in the family, the one who loves the attention and rep he gets from receiving dozens of consequences, and ask if if i can give him 10...as always he says yes...great, now i can really relax. Group time comes. I roam to my families room and sit in a chair by the window. My family greets me and begins to passionatly explain the hilariously events that took place by the line area, i pretend to care and wait for our case rep. I hate group. Starfish "share" probably the least of any other individuals but are always pressured to give outstanding feedback....pearls of wisdom from fake role models....awesome...one of my bestfriends; a level-one student named Mark, is forced to share about how he isn't getting his act together. Almost everyday my case rep stands him up and makes him talk about the same shit. Another wonderful day of repetition....
After he finishes the room (as always) falls silent. You can tell the kids who are working. There the first to stand up and share whatever they read in Chicken Soup for the Soul the night before. I always laugh at how they pretend how they made it up and try and impress the case rep at how much they are growing and learning as people...then i remember that i and every other starfish there did the same shit...that usually makes me stop laughing. Then my case rep calls my name. I reluctantly stand up as she pretty much tells what to say to my friend Mark. "Grant, tell Mark how working the program has changed your life. Tell Mark that he is being foolish and destructive, tell him he is a liar and deceitful and a bad person". Jesus, ya just did lady...I sigh and referberate everything she basically just said. He smiles at me for a moment and for a secound i feel like less of a shmuck for tearing him down for reasons i dont back up. After all....he understands that i have to go home. And to do this i must fit a certain niche. Even worse than that, having to turn a blinds eye to the corruption behind every factor that makes this place move.
As i speak to Mark through words that are not my own i think back to last week. I think about working in O.P and i think about watching him getting restrained for refusing to do any more jumping jacks. I think about the four staff on him grinding his joints into the hard floor. His screams for mercy echo my mind and for the first time in my life i hate myself. I hate myself for standing guard by the door, i hate myself for looking on as my friend is tortured for what i know is for a bullshit reason, i hate myself for not saying anything, and i hate myself for not being a true friend. I guess i am thankful for his empathy and forgiveness. He understood that if i said anything, the staff would just make up the same story, make me look like a liar and get probation or dropped. I am too close to being rid of this place to start again. It kills me slowly inside as i but my own beliefs , values and feelings on hold in order to go home. It brought new meaning to "between a rock and a hard place" to me. How many times have myself, the other starfish, past graduates...how long have we turned a blinds-eye to what we new in every inch of our body and soul to be wrong. How many times have we sacraficed our character and opinions for just one chance at freedom.
Only a few more months....at the end of group I put my hand on Mark's shoulder. My eyes begged forgivness and before i could say a word he told me it was o.k.....Im the real asshole. As we walked to the classroom i watch the girls as they cross the courtyard. In an instant every inch of me ached. I needed the touch and the feel of a girl with every ounch of me. What i wouldnt do for 5 minutes alone. Not even a peck on the cheek for almost 2 years. It almost killed me to look at them...I didnt care who...just any of them. My hormones and testostorone was on the brink of explosion. Im a 18 year old man...what the hell is going on i thought. Sexual fantasies clouded my vision for the next few hours as i sit twidling my thumbs in the class room...work as usual.
Dinner eventually came and went..still hungry as always...always hungry. I think back at the time when i was a even more-so starving level two. I remember finding that peice of bread smothered with ants...i remember splitting it with my friend and laughing at how pathetic we both were. I walk with the starfish back to our rooms...our shift was finally over. We played basketball (my own personal therapy) until i remember the kids i promised to speak with...I unwillingly walked over to the class rooms knowing that i wouldnt make it to more than half of the kids who asked to speak with me. I listened time after time to there problems with staff, and there parents, and the family...not once asking me about my life mind you. I wanted to listen to peoples problems almost as much as i wanted to listen to my girlfriend talk about why its important to match your shoes to your purse...fastforward to me laying awake in bed dreaming of my departure from this hellish prison. I thought about how long i could play "good soldier" and swallow the 90% of bullshit being forced down my throat. I thought about how much longer i could turn my back on the ugliness that went on behind every closed door, i thought about the man i was, the man i wanted to be, i the man i was slowly turning into.....only a few more months...
After graduating i could think of nothing but the program, and the people still in it ironically enough. Now more than a year later, i always forget i was there. Almost like a fading memory of a distant dream. I eventually finished school, hold a great paying job and have been living with and happily dating one of my fantasy girls from the program...haha Even though ive been through hell and back i still recognize the person those experiences molded me into. But if you asked me if i could change anything i would. Fate made me this way, not the bullshit from T.B....id love to get a chance to reclaim two years of my adolence....Id love to experience those to years as they should of been.
References:
Datasheet about the boarding school from Secret Prisons for Teens
The original story (Cached version of tbfight.com - may take a while to load)
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